I never imagined that my health would become the point of my life. It seems so self-indulgent. But for the past five years I’ve thought about little else. Even when I’m animated about work, or writing, or films, or Barcelona, underneath it all my mental attention is on the inside, constantly aware of my physical state and monitoring what’s going on. It’s quite exhausting!
Although the state of my body is still my most important concern, I’m trying to look the other way, stop intervening, and reduce how much time and energy I spend. It doesn’t help when something flares up that is impossible to ignore, like my digestive system in the past few days. Gah! It does mean I learn new things, though…
Because I’ve been fixing the mess made by what I consider to be a misdiagnosis 17 years ago, I’ve avoided the healthcare system, so a lot of my focus has been on trying to figure out what’s wrong, why is x doing that, what’s going on with y, is it all related to z? It’s been a very long learning trajectory that has involved experimentation and research. I have even discovered roots that go back beyond the misdiagnosis. My mind is well and truly blown! I have constant self-doubt about my theories, but I can’t deny the results. It’s remarkable (to me, at least) how much better I am now than I was 1…5…10 years ago!
I’m reluctant to talk about it – it’s complex and difficult to explain, one’s health seems like such a private thing, and when I can’t be positive, I prefer to say nothing – but sharing does encourage others to open up too. My experience seems so unique but who knows where talking about it will lead? I’ve been through a physical metamorphosis, rewritten my life–health story, and still have lots of questions that I will probably never have definitive answers to. I’m disappointed that my life is all so inward-looking, but maybe I can do something with this, somehow.